004
PIPING HOT! WITH PIPERHer eyes are closed, her ears are open Last week’s spooky activities had everyone on their worst behavior! Fitch Sr., in a state of sleep-deprived Pokémon panic, charged poor Jubean at the dog parade (reminder, Jubean’s costume this year was Pikachu, which he won third place for, by the way). No one was hurt, but people are definitely getting sick of Fitch’s shit. I know I am. Last thing I need is some strung out middle-aged man mistaking me for a rare Mew.
In more dizzying news, Witchy Woman ventured out for the first time since the Gravitron spun her into a different dimension. Let’s just say she got deeply disoriented in the corn maze, causing her to spin so fast all the corn kernels popped. Yum! Speaking of yum, Tyler was again seen kissing a twin in the back alley of The Village Tavern, except this time we’re 45% sure it was Chandler. Do we have the makings of a classic parent-trap on our hands? Only time will tell.
Saving the worst for last: there was another fire, and this time it took Washington’s beloved car with it. But don’t worry, we have a suspect in custody -- and word on the street is it’s one of Neighborhood Watch’s own. Although Washington has two homes for shelter, there is nothing like the bond between a man and the car he chose to sleep in. We will be launching a Go Fund Me to get him a new car. Please donate whatever you’re able (link in bio). And while you’re at it, please don’t forget to donate to my cataract surgery (also link in bio)! Imagine the updates I’d have for you with the gift of sight.
And now for the the roundup…
The Twins - kissing not telling Witchy Woman - spinning and popping! Washington - carless Anne Porch - receiving death threats (re: cast list) Tyler - preparing for the role of a lifetime Fitch - on thin ice Trish - hanging on by a thread
xx Pipes
PERSONALSSEEKING – Money for commissary.
MISSED CONNECTION – You hate your wife, a C-list actress known for beloved American sitcom E******* L***** Raymond. We talked all night at the Village Tavern but I never got your name.
MISSED CONNECTION – We were both walking our dogs off-leash, mine bit yours. While nothing can take the place of a beloved pet, I’d like to try.
GIVING AWAY – My identity. Social included, as I’m looking to disappear completely.
WEEKLY POLL ___ Sky
___ Grass
NOT YOUR MOM'S ADVICEFor those questions you can't ask out loudQ: I’m being accused of arson.
A: Dear Readers, this question was born of my own actions -- and let this be my formal confession in black and white, I, Not Your Mother, am guilty as charged. Unfortunately, readers, you’ve been made accessories in the late stages of a long con. My predilection for sharing wisdom is as fiery as my disdain for my ex-lover, Washington. And my sincerest apologies to the Porch Sitters -- when I threw that Molotov cocktail, I underestimated my strength and it landed in your backyard. But don’t worry, I corrected on my second attempt, and let's just say: bullseye, baby. So let this be a lesson to all of you, if you’ve been scorned by an ex, I encourage you to retaliate by any means necessary -- and apologize to those you harm along the way.
I am prepared to face the long arm of the law and all the United States Supreme Court has to throw at me. As a victim of my crime, Paul Porch is not able to defend me, but don’t worry, I am being represented by a gorgeous man with hair plugs who I trust with my life completely, Tino Bambino Attorney at Law -- you’d recognize him and his massive glistening veneers as he graces every bus stop, billboard, and bench in this entire town. I am currently his only client, so I rest easy knowing I have the full resources of his firm at my disposal.
Until next time -- from a county jail holding cell, Not Your Mother
TOWN 'TIVITIESWednesday, 11/6 : Pottery in the park! Come throw a hunk of clay on a spinning wheel for the tactile therapy of your dreams. Pay for a premium package to live out your Ghost fantasy, where a Patrick Swayze (RIP) look-a-like will be provided to hold you from behind.
Friday, 11/8: Slam poetry contest at The Glenn Acres Home for the Elderly! Sharpen your prose and pop your beta-blockers, the spoken word artist who evokes the greatest emotional response from this otherwise sedated crowd wins a cash prize of $25!
Saturday, 11/9: The temperature might be cooling down, but our ovens are heating up! Yep, you guessed it – our annual Pie Baking competition is here. Bring your most decorated pies down to the middle school, where our very own Paula Porch (who moonlighted as a food critic) will be judging. Crumb crusts will be disqualified.
xoxo,
Neighborhood Watch
003
LETTER FROM THE EDITORHappy Halloween, Readers & Watchers! Finally a holiday for the community! Enough with the lovers’ dinners and giving thanks -- we’re all about getting out of our homes and into each other’s business. Maybe you’re going to a house party and drinking “witches’ brew” until you can’t see straight. Maybe you’re at the pumpkin patch, lying about your weight so you can ride a pony. Maybe you’re scaring strangers on the street. No matter what it is, if you’re doing it amongst others, you’re doing it right. We’d like to encourage everyone to really participate this week -- and we get it, for those of us with social anxiety (Fitch Sr.), it can be hard. But now’s the time to get out of your skin and slip into someone else’s!
And in the spirit of coming together, this special issue was designed by a handsome young boy, named Jacob, who works at the local Kinkos. He also designed our NEW WEBSITE (Link in Bio!).
xoxo, Neighborhood Watch
PIPING HOT! WITH PIPERHer eyes are closed, her ears are open Things are certainly getting spooky in the neighborhood, and as a black cat, this is my busy season. Everyone is in costume so I’m getting a bit disoriented, but I swear on my nine lives that I saw Trish Stop, Drop & Rolling with Washington in the park. Were they practicing fire safety or was it something far more intimate? Either way, seems a little risky to me, as the park is supposedly a hotbed (in more ways than one) for those on the virtual Pokémon hunt, and word on the street is Fitch Sr. will stop at nothing for his white (yellow) whale -- a big daddy Pikachu. Let’s just hope he doesn’t find his wife in a compromising position instead.
In other, more haunting news, The Twins got fired from their shared internship for going to Boca without telling anyone and leaving the phones unattended and the entire office coffee-less. They have now picked up a (still shared) job slinging beers at the Village Tavern.
Which leads me to my next, and juiciest update. Paula Porch and Tyler went out to celebrate their mistrial (hung jury), and were seen getting sloshed at the bar. In the wee hours of the morning, Tyler was seen kissing a twin (65% sure it was Monica) in the back alley. Let’s hope client-attorney privileges extend beyond the courtroom, because we’d hate for this salacious little romance to get back to Tyler’s sworn enemy, Buzz Cut Babe. Especially after what happened at last week’s Rent auditions...
But then again, I guess I’m writing about it in the paper. Oops. I don’t know if it’s the full moon or the fun-sized candy bars getting to everyone’s head, but drama’s been at an all time high, and it’s hard to keep up. To make matters worse, the birds have been taunting me, but there’s no time to hunt when I’m too busy sniffing out these leads.
And now for the roundup...
Witchy Woman - still spinning The Twins - sexy nurses (offending Tyler) Bijou - big rat (confusing Piper) Jubean - Pikachu (confusing Fitch Sr.) Tyler - Wolverine Nuclear Family - Skeletons (confusing Jubean) Paula & Anne - Bette & Tina (but not like that) Washington - Lincoln (Abraham)
xx Pipes
PERSONALSSEEKING - Willing participants for “Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board.” Floaters only.
SEEKING - Realistic looking torso for my haunted driveway experience. No female nipples, please.
MISSED CONNECTION - You were dressed as Hannibal Lector and said you wanted to eat me with fava beans and a nice Chianti. My fight or flight kicked in and I ran, but I’m hopeful I can find my way back to you.
SEEKING - Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary.
WEEKLY POLL Candy Corn? ___ Y
___ N
NOT YOUR MOM'S ADVICEFor those questions you can't ask out loudQ: Help! I’m being haunted.
A: Oh reader, what a nightmare! I’m sorry to hear you’re being haunted. I’ve been where you are and I can attest: it’s not fun. Although, once I did have an erotic affair with an incubus spirit who would visit me each night at 3:11am for forty-five minutes of tantric, supernatural sex that turned out to be incredibly fun.
But whether it’s a spirit who’s plaguing you, a scorned ex-lover, or even a workplace enemy, the best I can suggest is a system I’ve devised called B.O.O.
B – Bring the spirit an offering. We all like getting gifts! Who cares about acts of service or physical touch when there are designer handbags in the world. It’s likely whatever entity is plaguing you sees you as the enemy, but if you can win the poor soul over with an offering –- a nice Edible Arrangement should do the trick -– it can put the spirit at ease and let them know you’re a friend.
O – Offer yourself as a conduit. It can be exhausting lurking the astral plane for all eternity. Your spirit friend might feel better and less hostile, if he or she gets the opportunity to express themselves through a good old-fashioned possession. Now, possessions can be messy, so I’d recommended laying down a tarp or painter’s cloth. Have fun and know your limits. When it’s time for spirit to go, tell them.
O – Only involve religion as a last resort. This one is extremely important. If you’ve tried to make peace with your spirit to no avail, it’s time to bring in the big guns. Now, most people’s first thought is Catholicism -– and there’s nothing wrong with that. They certainly have the market cornered on exorcisms. But I once had my home cleansed by Rabbi Meltzer, and he did an excellent job. Choose a religious figurehead from your own faith, or whoever’s first available. Just be sure whoever you hire does a thorough job, because nothing angers a spirit more than a botched exorcism, and at that point, I fear no one can help you.
Of course, the demons hardest to exorcize are the ones that lie within. So take care of yourself, and remember: we can’t “rest in peace” without peace of mind.
Until Next Time, Not Your Mother
Use code “Not Your Mother” for ten percent off your next Edible Arrangement!
TOWN 'TIVITIESWednesday, 10/30: Warehouse rave in the abandoned house. Password: abandoned house. At midnight we will be dumping fake blood on everyone (à la Carrie) so please come prepared. Best costume wins a lifetime supply of poppers!
Thursday, 10/31: Who let the dogs out!?! We did, Witch! The annual Halloween Dog Parade is back and is sure to be pawsitively haunting! We’ve got boos, bones, and barks! All dogs must be fixed and on leash, as the shelters are still full from the events of last year’s dog parade. 11am-3pm.
Friday, 11/3: Corn maze in the community garden! The stalks are premature so we recommend that you crawl on all fours to optimize spatial confusion.
GAMES
Dog Parade Halloween Corn Fall Arson Candy Spooky Scary Pumpkin Jeffrey Dahmer Leaves
002
LETTER FROM THE EDITORWe would like to issue a correction. Although we were told by multiple trusted sources (and no, we will not be giving them up), Fitch Jr. in fact does not suffer from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome — he is simply nearsighted. Unfortunately, following last week’s report, CPS has launched a formal investigation. Trish maintains that while she does enjoy a Mudslide from time to time, she was completely sober for the duration of her pregnancy. Case closed! This is our formal apology to the Nuclear Family, and to make things right, we’ll be donating all ad revenue from this week’s issue to renovating Fitch Jr.’s tree house. One like equals one 2x4 of wood.
Also, we’ve received some outrage at people’s inability to find the funnel cake coupon, so we are re-attaching on page 12.
Happy Monday!
xoxo, Neighborhood Watch
PIPING HOT! WITH PIPERHer eyes are closed, her ears are open Thoughts and prayers to Tyler as he heads to court today. Turns out the medical miracle he performed on IG Live (tracheotomy) not only violated HIPAA, but was without consent on an unwilling passerby — who, in fact, did not have a throat obstruction, just a ragweed allergy. But don’t worry, malpractice is no biggie, especially when you’re being represented by our neighborhood’s very own Paula Porch (who used to moonlight as a paralegal). Between our legal beagle Paula, and Anne’s eye for the arts -- these two are quickly proving to be a major asset to the neighborhood! Which makes it all the more odd our local hot hand would target them in the latest attack…
Speaking of: no new burns this week, but my paws are highly sensitive to heat so I’ll be the first to know. However, I’ve ruled out The Twins and Buzz Cut Babe as suspects as they’ve been at a family reunion in Florida all week. Unless they’re working with a proxy. Anything is possible.
In even hotter news, Witchy Woman got stuck on the Gravitron at the Church Carnival this week. It seems all magical forces pale in the face of the most powerful force of all… gravity. She was spun around so many times it’s reported she’s suffered what’s known as “the centrifuge effect” where all of the blood in her body rushed to her feet, resulting in a micro stroke. She’s back home and recovering, but she now has vertigo and will be conducting all future tarot readings from the horizontal position. Church carnival closed until further notice.
And now for the roundup…
Witchy Woman - still spinning Fitch Jr. - reaching new heights Paula Porch - approaching the bench Anne Porch - deep in the creative process Tyler - taking the stand Bijou - gained a pound Twins - Boca Raton Trish - crying at target
PERSONALSMISSED CONNECTION: I was front row to your karaoke set at The Village Tavern. Your voice was like nails on a chalkboard but you had the stage presence of Bon Jovi.
MISSED CONNECTION: I heard you crying to your mom on the phone about your tax return. I can make the IRS go away.
SEEKING: A bird watching buddy who owns a Prius or otherwise silent car. My clunky 2004 Subaru Outback keeps scaring off the flock.
SEEKING: Someone with a boating license to help me finish what I started.
WEEKLY POLL:
_ Deep Space
_ Deep Ocean
NOT YOUR MOM'S ADVICEFor those questions you can't ask out loudQ: How do I deal with neighbors being noisy at night?
A: Reader, it sounds like you’ve got yourself a case of what I like to call the midnight skit-skat driveway rat. And guess what, I too suffer from this plague. You’re in the middle of a stunning slumber when BAM! You’re jolted away by the scurrying sounds of little paws and claws on concrete. Do your rats wear tap shoes on all fours? Because mine sure do! If anything, take solace in the fact that you are not alone. I suppose if I could get to the bottom of what these rats are really up to I could better advise – Taking the trash out? Aerobics? Engaging in a healthy debate at the top of their little rodent lungs? The late night rat activity knows no bounds. I guess the real question on our hands is how do we exterminate with love? A recent suggestion I’ve received is to become one with the rats – invite them over for a drink on your stoop, kiss them on the mouth, etc. And then confront them. Because, what’s a gentle request among friends — right? Other more extreme options could include hostile confrontation, rat poison, or out-ratting the rats at their own ratty game (interpret as you may). The only true interim solution I’ve come to rely on is a little app called Rain Rain (found in the app store), because nothing drowns out the driveway sounds quite like a gorgeous thunderstorm playing on full volume mere inches from your ears. As I always say, nothing is more important than the relationship with one’s self, so handle this situation in a way that feels authentic to you.
Until next time, Not Your Mother
TOWN 'TIVITIESTuesday, 10/22: Open auditions for RENT (diabetes version) will be held at the middle school auditorium, starting at 3pm. We expect a huge turnout, so please don’t be late. Come prepared with a monologue of your choosing and sixteen bars.
Friday, 10:25: Primal movement in the park. Classes to help us get in touch with our ancestors via the art of walking on all fours.
Sunday, 10/27: Monthly farmers market is back! 11-3pm, come get your favorite chips, dips, and sips! Please be mindful of cross contamination for those with allergies, and sanitize your hands after spending time at the nut stand.
SHERIFF'S BLOTTER10/15 @ 9:57pm - Police arrived on the scene to find a woman stuck on a Gravitron that had spun off its axis. Injuries were minor, she’s in stable condition.
10/16 @ 3:01pm - Small lemonade business run by local resident, [REDACTED, minor] was shut down on Saturday due to operating without a permit, in violation of Chapter 20.80 Code of City Ordinances.
10/16 @ 11:57pm - Car swerving across four lanes. Failed to signal. Woman admitted to drinking two mudslides but passed sobriety test.
001
PIPING HOT! WITH PIPERHer eyes are closed, her ears are open Chilly weather may be upon us, but things are heating up! No, not in a sexy way, in a very real way because, yep, you guessed it, there’s an arsonist on the loose! A fire seen in the Witchy Woman’s back yard — was it Tyler borrowing the fire pit in an attempt to woo his newest flame, or was it a targeted warning from someone with a hot hand? It’s too early to tell, but I’ll keep my metaphorical eyes open.
In other news, what do you call a group of middle-aged women drunk on wine spritzers doing zumba on the lawn? The porch sitters knitting club, that’s what. Correct me if I’m wrong, but knitting is all in the wrists, not hips. If they’re not going to invite the rest of the hood, maybe they could keep it down next time.
Last, but not least, the prodigal son has returned! Buzz cut babe is back from his goth band tour, and is couch surfing with his twin sisters. Can’t wait to see him and Tyler compete for the neighborhood's hottest hunk!
And now for the roundup…
Twins - identical Fitch Jr.’s Dad - caught a Charzard Fitch Jr.’s Mom - secret cigarettes Fitch Jr. - lice Witchy Woman - stew season! Tyler - performing a tracheotomy on IG live Bijou - new bone Jubean - giardia Washington - stiff back
As always, Piping Hot! is completely free, but donations are welcome as I’m gearing up for incredibly expensive cataract surgery.
xx
Pipes
PERSONALSSEEKING – A flirty stranger who feels confident with a drill and can help build a cabinet. Will screw for screws.
MISSED CONNECTION – We both witnessed the same car crash outside of the Village Tavern. You were sipping an aperol spritz in impossibly large jorts and whipsered, “Oh shit.”
MISSED CONNECTION - I saw you on the Feeld app but didn’t know how to “swipe right” because I’m unfamiliar with the interface. You’re a 6’4” heteroflexible demi-sexual ginger looking for fun and friendship.
SELLING – All my beige and orange possessions. Even the ones I need. Saturday 9am to 2pm. Everything beige and orange must go.
WEEKLY POLL
Who’s the hottest neighborhood hunk?
___ Tyler (Bijou and Jubean’s paw-pa)
___ Buzz Cut Babe (twin’s third)
NOT YOUR MOM'S ADVICEFor those questions you can't ask out loudQ: My partner and I haven’t been intimate in 6 months. How do I relight the flame?
A: Well, thank God I’m not your mom because I’d be saying, “Keep it to yourself, kid!” But reader, please know you’re not alone. I’ve been, against my will, celibate for the better part of a decade. The fact that you have a designed partner for sex already puts you ahead of the proverbial game. I find that life’s all about momentum, and it can feel impossible to initiate a tender moment when you’re in the routine of being alone, together. In the words of Esther Perel, wanting often starts before you even enter the bedroom. Try sending a text in the middle of the day, something spicy and direct: “If we don’t have sex tonight I’m leaving you” ought to do the trick. And then, most importantly, be sure to follow through on that boundary!
While I am a mere vehicle for advice, I find my readers hold the real wisdom — please write in with suggestions on how you end a dry spell! Massage oils? A romantic dinner? Or an ultimatum? Can’t wait to read your wonderful insights.
TOWN 'TIVITIESMonday, 10/14 - The Church carnival is coming to town! 4pm to midnight every day this week. Coupon on page 7 for a free funnel cake. See you on the tilt-a-whirl!
Friday, 10/18 - The Glenn Acres Home for the Elderly annual talent show fundraiser is here! Aerial tricks are banned after last year's high-flying incident — Rest In Peace Mikayla.
CASTING CALL: The regional theater will be putting on a grassroots production of the hit musical RENT. But in an effort to modernize, it will be about diabetes — which is largely considered the AIDS of today. Directed by our town’s very own Anne Porch!
Until next week!
xoxo, Neighborhood Watch