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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

We would like to issue a correction. Although we were told by multiple trusted sources (and no, we will not be giving them up), Fitch Jr. in fact does not suffer from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome — he is simply nearsighted. Unfortunately, following last week’s report, CPS has launched a formal investigation. Trish maintains that while she does enjoy a Mudslide  from time to time, she was completely sober for the duration of her pregnancy. Case closed! This is our formal apology to the Nuclear Family, and to make things right, we’ll be donating all ad revenue from this week’s issue to renovating Fitch Jr.’s tree house. One like equals one 2x4 of wood.

Also, we’ve received some outrage at people’s inability to find the funnel cake coupon, so we are re-attaching on page 12.

Happy Monday!

xoxo, Neighborhood Watch

PIPING HOT! WITH PIPER

Her eyes are closed, her ears are open 

Thoughts and prayers to Tyler as he heads to court today. Turns out the medical miracle he performed on IG Live (tracheotomy) not only violated HIPAA, but was without consent on an unwilling passerby —  who, in fact, did not have a throat obstruction, just a ragweed allergy. But don’t worry, malpractice is no biggie, especially when you’re being represented by our neighborhood’s very own Paula Porch (who used to moonlight as a paralegal). Between our legal beagle Paula, and Anne’s eye for the arts -- these two are quickly proving to be a major asset to the neighborhood! Which makes it all the more odd our local hot hand would target them in the latest attack… 

Speaking of: no new burns this week, but my paws are highly sensitive to heat so I’ll be the first to know. However, I’ve ruled out The Twins and Buzz Cut Babe as suspects as they’ve been at a family reunion in Florida all week. Unless they’re working with a proxy. Anything is possible. 

In even hotter news, Witchy Woman got stuck on the Gravitron at the Church Carnival this week. It seems all magical forces pale in the face of the most powerful force of all… gravity. She was spun around so many times it’s reported she’s suffered what’s known as “the centrifuge effect” where all of the blood in her body rushed to her feet, resulting in a micro stroke. She’s back home and recovering, but she now has vertigo and will be conducting all future tarot readings from the horizontal position. Church carnival closed until further notice.

And now for the roundup…

Witchy Woman - still spinning Fitch Jr. - reaching new heights Paula Porch - approaching the bench Anne Porch - deep in the creative process  Tyler - taking the stand Bijou - gained a pound Twins - Boca Raton Trish - crying at target

PERSONALS

MISSED CONNECTION: I was front row to your karaoke set at The Village Tavern. Your voice was like nails on a chalkboard but you had the stage presence of Bon Jovi. 

MISSED CONNECTION: I heard you crying to your mom on the phone about your tax return. I can make the IRS go away.

SEEKING: A bird watching buddy who owns a Prius or otherwise silent car. My clunky 2004 Subaru Outback keeps scaring off the flock.

SEEKING: Someone with a boating license to help me finish what I started.

WEEKLY POLL: 

_ Deep Space

_ Deep Ocean

NOT YOUR MOM'S ADVICE

For those questions you can't ask out loud

Q: How do I deal with neighbors being noisy at night?

A: Reader, it sounds like you’ve got yourself a case of what I like to call the midnight skit-skat driveway rat. And guess what, I too suffer from this plague. You’re in the middle of a stunning slumber when BAM! You’re jolted away by the scurrying sounds of  little paws and claws on concrete. Do your rats wear tap shoes on all fours? Because mine sure do! If anything, take solace in the fact that you are not alone. I suppose if I could get to the bottom of what these rats are really up to I could better advise – Taking the trash out? Aerobics? Engaging in a healthy debate at the top of their little rodent lungs? The late night rat activity knows no bounds. I guess the real question on our hands is how do we exterminate with love? A recent suggestion I’ve received is to become one with the rats – invite them over for a drink on your stoop, kiss them on the mouth, etc. And then confront them. Because, what’s a gentle request among friends — right? Other more extreme options could include hostile confrontation, rat poison, or out-ratting the rats at their own ratty game (interpret as you may). The only true interim solution I’ve come to rely on is a little app called Rain Rain (found in the app store), because nothing drowns out the driveway sounds quite like a gorgeous thunderstorm playing on full volume mere inches from your ears. As I always say, nothing is more important than the relationship with one’s self, so handle this situation in a way that feels authentic to you.

Until next time, Not Your Mother

TOWN 'TIVITIES

Tuesday, 10/22: Open auditions for RENT (diabetes version) will be held at the middle school auditorium, starting at 3pm. We expect a huge turnout, so please don’t be late. Come prepared with a monologue of your choosing and sixteen bars. 

Friday, 10:25: Primal movement in the park. Classes to help us get in touch with our ancestors via the art of walking on all fours. 

Sunday, 10/27: Monthly farmers market is back! 11-3pm, come get your favorite chips, dips, and sips! Please be mindful of cross contamination for those with allergies, and sanitize your hands after spending time at the nut stand.

SHERIFF'S BLOTTER

10/15 @ 9:57pm - Police arrived on the scene to find a woman stuck on a Gravitron that had spun off its axis. Injuries were minor, she’s in stable condition.

10/16 @ 3:01pm - Small lemonade business run by local resident, [REDACTED, minor] was shut down on Saturday due to operating without a permit, in violation of Chapter 20.80 Code of City Ordinances. 

10/16 @ 11:57pm - Car swerving across four lanes. Failed to signal. Woman admitted to drinking two mudslides but passed sobriety test.