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LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

Happy Halloween, Readers & Watchers! Finally a holiday for the community! Enough with the lovers’ dinners and giving thanks -- we’re all about getting out of our homes and into each other’s business. Maybe you’re going to a house party and drinking “witches’ brew” until you can’t see straight. Maybe you’re at the pumpkin patch, lying about your weight so you can ride a pony. Maybe you’re scaring strangers on the street. No matter what it is, if you’re doing it amongst others, you’re doing it right. We’d like to encourage everyone to really participate this week -- and we get it, for those of us with social anxiety (Fitch Sr.), it can be hard. But now’s the time to get out of your skin and slip into someone else’s!

And in the spirit of coming together, this special issue was designed by a handsome young boy, named Jacob, who works at the local Kinkos. He also designed our NEW WEBSITE (Link in Bio!).

xoxo, Neighborhood Watch

PIPING HOT! WITH PIPER

Her eyes are closed, her ears are open 

Things are certainly getting spooky in the neighborhood, and as a black cat, this is my busy season. Everyone is in costume so I’m getting a bit disoriented, but I swear on my nine lives that I saw Trish Stop, Drop & Rolling with Washington in the park. Were they practicing fire safety or was it something far more intimate? Either way, seems a little risky to me, as the park is supposedly a hotbed (in more ways than one) for those on the virtual Pokémon hunt, and word on the street is Fitch Sr. will stop at nothing for his white (yellow) whale -- a big daddy Pikachu. Let’s just hope he doesn’t find his wife in a compromising position instead.

In other, more haunting news, The Twins got fired from their shared internship for going to Boca without telling anyone and leaving the phones unattended and the entire office coffee-less. They have now picked up a (still shared) job slinging beers at the Village Tavern.

Which leads me to my next, and juiciest update. Paula Porch and Tyler went out to celebrate their mistrial (hung jury), and were seen getting sloshed at the bar. In the wee hours of the morning, Tyler was seen kissing a twin (65% sure it was Monica) in the back alley. Let’s hope client-attorney privileges extend beyond the courtroom, because we’d hate for this salacious little romance to get back to Tyler’s sworn enemy, Buzz Cut Babe. Especially after what happened at last week’s Rent auditions...

But then again, I guess I’m writing about it in the paper. Oops. I don’t know if it’s the full moon or the fun-sized candy bars getting to everyone’s head, but drama’s been at an all time high, and it’s hard to keep up. To make matters worse, the birds have been taunting me, but there’s no time to hunt when I’m too busy sniffing out these leads.

And now for the roundup...

Witchy Woman - still spinning      The Twins - sexy nurses (offending Tyler) Bijou - big rat (confusing Piper) Jubean - Pikachu (confusing Fitch Sr.) Tyler - Wolverine Nuclear Family - Skeletons (confusing Jubean) Paula & Anne - Bette & Tina (but not like that) Washington - Lincoln (Abraham)

xx Pipes

PERSONALS

SEEKING - Willing participants for “Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board.” Floaters only.

SEEKING - Realistic looking torso for my haunted driveway experience. No female nipples, please.

MISSED CONNECTION - You were dressed as Hannibal Lector and said you wanted to eat me with fava beans and a nice Chianti. My fight or flight kicked in and I ran, but I’m hopeful I can find my way back to you.

SEEKING - Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary.

WEEKLY POLL Candy Corn? ___ Y

___ N

NOT YOUR MOM'S ADVICE

For those questions you can't ask out loud

Q: Help! I’m being haunted.

A: Oh reader, what a nightmare! I’m sorry to hear you’re being haunted. I’ve been where you are and I can attest: it’s not fun. Although, once I did have an erotic affair with an incubus spirit who would visit me each night at 3:11am for forty-five minutes of tantric, supernatural sex that turned out to be incredibly fun.

But whether it’s a spirit who’s plaguing you, a scorned ex-lover, or even a workplace enemy, the best I can suggest is a system I’ve devised called B.O.O.

B – Bring the spirit an offering. We all like getting gifts! Who cares about acts of service or physical touch when there are designer handbags in the world. It’s likely whatever entity is plaguing you sees you as the enemy, but if you can win the poor soul over with an offering –- a nice Edible Arrangement should do the trick -– it can put the spirit at ease and let them know you’re a friend.

O – Offer yourself as a conduit. It can be exhausting lurking the astral plane for all eternity. Your spirit friend might feel better and less hostile, if he or she gets the opportunity to express themselves through a good old-fashioned possession. Now, possessions can be messy, so I’d recommended laying down a tarp or painter’s cloth. Have fun and know your limits. When it’s time for spirit to go, tell them.

O – Only involve religion as a last resort. This one is extremely important. If you’ve tried to make peace with your spirit to no avail, it’s time to bring in the big guns. Now, most people’s first thought is Catholicism -– and there’s nothing wrong with that. They certainly have the market cornered on exorcisms. But I once had my home cleansed by Rabbi Meltzer, and he did an excellent job. Choose a religious figurehead from your own faith, or whoever’s first available. Just be sure whoever you hire does a thorough job, because nothing angers a spirit more than a botched exorcism, and at that point, I fear no one can help you.

Of course, the demons hardest to exorcize are the ones that lie within. So take care of yourself, and remember: we can’t “rest in peace” without peace of mind.

Until Next Time, Not Your Mother

Use code “Not Your Mother” for ten percent off your next Edible Arrangement!

TOWN 'TIVITIES

Wednesday, 10/30: Warehouse rave in the abandoned house. Password: abandoned house. At midnight we will be dumping fake blood on everyone (à la Carrie) so please come prepared. Best costume wins a lifetime supply of poppers!

Thursday, 10/31: Who let the dogs out!?! We did, Witch! The annual Halloween Dog Parade is back and is sure to be pawsitively haunting! We’ve got boos, bones, and barks! All dogs must be fixed and on leash, as the shelters are still full from the events of last year’s dog parade. 11am-3pm.

Friday, 11/3: Corn maze in the community garden! The stalks are premature so we recommend that you crawl on all fours to optimize spatial confusion.

GAMES

Dog Parade       Halloween Corn Fall             Arson        Candy            Spooky      Scary            Pumpkin  Jeffrey Dahmer           Leaves