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PIPING HOT! WITH PIPER

Her eyes are closed, her ears are open 

Last week’s spooky activities had everyone on their worst behavior! Fitch Sr., in a state of sleep-deprived Pokémon panic, charged poor Jubean at the dog parade (reminder, Jubean’s costume this year was Pikachu, which he won third place for, by the way). No one was hurt, but people are definitely getting sick of Fitch’s shit. I know I am. Last thing I need is some strung out middle-aged man mistaking me for a rare Mew. 

In more dizzying news, Witchy Woman ventured out for the first time since the Gravitron spun her into a different dimension. Let’s just say she got deeply disoriented in the corn maze, causing her to spin so fast all the corn kernels popped. Yum! Speaking of yum, Tyler was again seen kissing a twin in the back alley of The Village Tavern, except this time we’re 45% sure it was Chandler. Do we have the makings of a classic parent-trap on our hands? Only time will tell. 

Saving the worst for last: there was another fire, and this time it took Washington’s beloved car with it. But don’t worry, we have a suspect in custody -- and word on the street is it’s one of Neighborhood Watch’s own. Although Washington has two homes for shelter, there is nothing like the bond between a man and the car he chose to sleep in. We will be launching a Go Fund Me to get him a new car. Please donate whatever you’re able (link in bio). And while you’re at it, please don’t forget to donate to my cataract surgery (also link in bio)! Imagine the updates I’d have for you with the gift of sight. 

And now for the the roundup…

The Twins - kissing not telling Witchy Woman - spinning and popping! Washington - carless Anne Porch - receiving death threats (re: cast list) Tyler - preparing for the role of a lifetime Fitch - on thin ice Trish - hanging on by a thread

xx Pipes

PERSONALS

SEEKING – Money for commissary. 

MISSED CONNECTION –   You hate your wife, a C-list actress known for beloved American sitcom E******* L***** Raymond. We talked all night at the Village Tavern but I never got your name. 

MISSED CONNECTION – We were both walking our dogs off-leash, mine bit yours. While nothing can take the place of a beloved pet, I’d like to try.

GIVING AWAY –  My identity. Social included, as I’m looking to disappear completely. 

WEEKLY POLL ___ Sky

___ Grass

NOT YOUR MOM'S ADVICE

For those questions you can't ask out loud

Q: I’m being accused of arson.

A: Dear Readers, this question was born of my own actions -- and let this be my formal confession in black and white, I, Not Your Mother, am guilty as charged. Unfortunately, readers, you’ve been made accessories in the late stages of a long con. My predilection for sharing wisdom is as fiery as my disdain for my ex-lover, Washington. And my sincerest apologies to the Porch Sitters -- when I threw that Molotov cocktail, I underestimated my strength and it landed in your backyard. But don’t worry, I corrected on my second attempt, and let's just say: bullseye, baby. So let this be a lesson to all of you, if you’ve been scorned by an ex, I encourage you to retaliate by any means necessary -- and apologize to those you harm along the way. 

I am prepared to face the long arm of the law and all the United States Supreme Court has to throw at me. As a victim of my crime, Paul Porch is not able to defend me, but don’t worry, I am being represented by a gorgeous man with hair plugs who I trust with my life completely, Tino Bambino Attorney at Law -- you’d recognize him and his massive glistening veneers as he graces every bus stop, billboard, and bench in this entire town. I am currently his only client, so I rest easy knowing I have the full resources of his firm at my disposal. 

Until next time -- from a county jail holding cell,  Not Your Mother 

TOWN 'TIVITIES

Wednesday, 11/6 : Pottery in the park! Come throw a hunk of clay on a spinning wheel for the tactile therapy of your dreams. Pay for a premium package to live out your Ghost fantasy, where a Patrick Swayze (RIP) look-a-like will be provided to hold you from behind.

Friday, 11/8: Slam poetry contest at The Glenn Acres Home for the Elderly! Sharpen your prose and pop your beta-blockers, the spoken word artist who evokes the greatest emotional response from this otherwise sedated crowd wins a cash prize of $25!

Saturday, 11/9: The temperature might be cooling down, but our ovens are heating up! Yep, you guessed it – our annual Pie Baking competition is here. Bring your most decorated pies down to the middle school, where our very own Paula Porch (who moonlighted as a food critic) will be judging. Crumb crusts will be disqualified.

xoxo,

Neighborhood Watch