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PIPING HOT! WITH PIPER

Her eyes are closed, her ears are open 

Chilly weather may be upon us, but things are heating up! No, not in a sexy way, in a very real way because, yep, you guessed it, there’s an arsonist on the loose! A fire seen in the Witchy Woman’s back yard — was it Tyler borrowing the fire pit in an attempt to woo his newest flame, or was it a targeted warning from someone with a hot hand? It’s too early to tell, but I’ll keep my metaphorical eyes open.

In other news, what do you call a group of middle-aged women drunk on wine spritzers doing zumba on the lawn? The porch sitters knitting club, that’s what. Correct me if I’m wrong, but knitting is all in the wrists, not hips. If they’re not going to invite the rest of the hood, maybe they could keep it down next time.

Last, but not least, the prodigal son has returned! Buzz cut babe is back from his goth band tour, and is couch surfing with his twin sisters. Can’t wait to see him and Tyler compete for the neighborhood's hottest hunk!

And now for the roundup…

Twins - identical Fitch Jr.’s Dad - caught a Charzard Fitch Jr.’s Mom - secret cigarettes Fitch Jr. - lice Witchy Woman - stew season! Tyler - performing a tracheotomy on IG live Bijou - new bone Jubean - giardia Washington - stiff back

As always, Piping Hot! is completely free, but donations are welcome as I’m gearing up for incredibly expensive cataract surgery.

xx

Pipes

PERSONALS

SEEKING – A flirty stranger who feels confident with a drill and can help build a cabinet. Will screw for screws.

MISSED CONNECTION – We both witnessed the same car crash outside of the Village Tavern. You were sipping an aperol spritz in impossibly large jorts and whipsered, “Oh shit.”

MISSED CONNECTION - I saw you on the Feeld app but didn’t know how to “swipe right” because I’m unfamiliar with the interface. You’re a 6’4” heteroflexible demi-sexual ginger looking for fun and friendship.

SELLING – All my beige and orange possessions. Even the ones I need. Saturday 9am to 2pm. Everything beige and orange must go.

WEEKLY POLL

Who’s the hottest neighborhood hunk?

___ Tyler (Bijou and Jubean’s paw-pa)

___ Buzz Cut Babe (twin’s third)

NOT YOUR MOM'S ADVICE

For those questions you can't ask out loud

Q: My partner and I haven’t been intimate in 6 months. How do I relight the flame?

A: Well, thank God I’m not your mom because I’d be saying, “Keep it to yourself, kid!” But reader, please know you’re not alone. I’ve been, against my will, celibate for the better part of a decade. The fact that you have a designed partner for sex already puts you ahead of the proverbial game. I find that life’s all about momentum, and it can feel impossible to initiate a tender moment when you’re in the routine of being alone, together. In the words of Esther Perel, wanting often starts before you even enter the bedroom. Try sending a text in the middle of the day, something spicy and direct: “If we don’t have sex tonight I’m leaving you” ought to do the trick. And then, most importantly, be sure to follow through on that boundary!

While I am a mere vehicle for advice, I find my readers hold the real wisdom — please write in with suggestions on how you end a dry spell! Massage oils? A romantic dinner? Or an ultimatum? Can’t wait to read your wonderful insights.

TOWN 'TIVITIES

Monday, 10/14 - The Church carnival is coming to town! 4pm to midnight every day this week. Coupon on page 7 for a free funnel cake. See you on the tilt-a-whirl!

Friday, 10/18 - The Glenn Acres Home for the Elderly annual talent show fundraiser is here! Aerial tricks are banned after last year's high-flying incident — Rest In Peace Mikayla.

CASTING CALL: The regional theater will be putting on a grassroots production of the hit musical RENT. But in an effort to modernize, it will be about diabetes — which is largely considered the AIDS of today. Directed by our town’s very own Anne Porch!

Until next week!

xoxo, Neighborhood Watch