Neighborhood Watch

A weekly newsletter about your favorite fictional neighborhood
NOTES FROM THE EDITOR

*This website was designed with the help of a young man named Jacob who works down at the Kinkos. He hasn’t been promoted in six years, but he is certainly our employee of the month*

*If you are so disconnected from your own community that you don't recognize any of the names in this issue, we recommend you explore the “Meet the Neighbors” tab while reflecting on how you can get involved — maybe start by introducing yourself to a stranger at the local coffee shop* 

AND NOW, FOR THE CURRENT ISSUE:                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             
                                                                           111824                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              
 ISS. 005

I’m back with big news! The Arsonist may be behind bars, but we have a new felon afoot -- and this time, it’s white collar. Fitch Sr. stole all the money from Washington’s GoFundMe to buy more virtual pokeballs, and at $35,000 that’s a lifetime supply. This embezzlement was followed by the intervention heard ‘round the neighborhood. Fitch Sr. is off to the gaming disorder treatment facility, leaving Trish weeping in his wake. Just kidding. She wasted no time before locking lips with Washington in the back room at the Leaning Tower of Pizza over a heaping dish of chicken picatta. I had the misfortune of spotting them with my own blurry eyes while rummaging through the dumpster for scraps. 

And speaking of locking lips, a hot new bombshell has entered the neighborhood. Anne Porch has hired an old friend from her Off-Off-Broadway days -- a New York City choreographer brought in to help with La Vie Bohème. Two creative minds, and one bendy body. I can’t wait to see what these two cook up.  

Last but not least, we have received word that Tyler finally realized the twins are two different people, and yes, it happened during Rent rehearsal over a particularly heated game of Zip Zap Zop. But have no fear! He has vowed to keep seeing both Monica and Chandler, because if they share a job and a home, why can’t they also share a boyfriend. Kudos to this progressive trio!

And now for the roundup…

Fitch Sr. - “traveling for work” Fitch Jr. - acting out (cigarettes)  Monica - dating Tyler Chandler - dating Tyler  Witchy Woman - standing upright  Bijou - off leash Jubean - bit a child Paula - disrobing

PIPING HOT! WITH PIPER
Her ears are closed, her eyes are open

Q: How do you get over an ex?

A: A: Well readers, as I’m sure you might have guessed, this question really hit home. An ex is the very reason I write to you from my county jail cell. I was so consumed by my past relationship with Washington that I would stay up for 72 hours at a time imagining all the ways I could hurt him -- and there was only one hot hot payback that could match the fire of rage in my heart. All that’s to say, let me be a lesson to all of you that by not getting over an ex, the only person you’re hurting is yourself. And you know what they say, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, and I’ve got my sights set on the gorgeous man I’m being represented by, Tino Bambino Attorney at Law.  Sparks are flying, and they’re so hot that I don’t even care that Washington is having an affair with Trish. So drop that loser bag of dirt and find your own meaty bambini.

Until Next Time,  Not Your Mother

For those questions you can't ask out loud
NOT YOUR MOM'S ADVICE

SEEKING - Someone to visit my grandmother. I’m booked & busy and that little raisin of a woman doesn’t even remember what I look like. 

MISSED CONNECTION - I saw you at the community garden, you had a huge toupee that was flopping over the zucchini bed. I was too shy to compliment your work, but I’d love to put down roots together. 

SEEKING - A reiki master to unblock my throat chakra.  

WEEKLY POLL

Acting out:

___ Cigarettes

___ Petty Theft

PERSONALS

Wednesday 11/20 @ 3pm: Come tap into the rhythms of our collective heartbeat with a community drum circle! Beginners welcome. Bring your own sticks and get ready to lose yourself in the beautiful beat of a snare drum.  

Saturday 11/23: Pack your bags! Actually just pack a match and some kindling!  Our very own Washington is taking a team of aspiring outdoors-people to the woods for his annual survival skills camp! That’s right, you’ll be left to fend for yourself overnight, with no shelter, food, or means to defend yourself. 

Sunday 11/24: Paint me like one of your french girls! Live Figure Drawing in the town studio where Paula Porch has volunteered to strip down and reprise her role as muse (moonlighted as a model)! Art enthusiasts only, no perverts. 

xoxo, Neighborhood Watch

TOWN 'TIVITIES